Okay. I let stupid things bother me.. Im sure. I know it. I let everything get to me.. and I sometimes think that people are out to get me with things they say and such anyways.  My stress of the moment revolves around a few main causes.
    One. My mom. I want the issues with my mom to stop, but I dont know how to make them stop.  My sister feeds my mom these negative things about me.. and that makes her like freak out at me, and she tells me these things that she knows hurt me.. just to say it. Thats not right in my opinion. I mean, a mother is supposed to be there and help your problems, not attack you for them and exaggerate them and totally put you down for them and use them against you.  Kristi helps with that... shes my sister. I dont know why she does that all to me.  i think that its because she lives in my shadow. She needs to get over that.  I try my hardst in everything that I do.. so if she cant live up to my example.. and cant beat me.. she shouldnt try to sabotage things that I do.  She has tried to sabotage my friends, love interests, parental relationships.. and so on.  My mom needs to stop though.. she says Im a just like my biological mother and will turn out just like her... (which if you know the issues with my bio mom.. that is like the WORST insult to me ever), she says Im miss perfect who is selfish and only cares about myself, and tries to put down my sister.. I dont. I feel so shitty about myself and I dont think Im near perfect or near better than anyone. I hate that she throws my rlly good grades in my face.. that bothers me. So.. she needs to stop randomly talking out her issues on me, when I try my hardest to be good with her and life.
     Two. Stressful things like marching band.  Marching band. haha. It is supposed to be fun.. but when you are drum line section leader, a second year quint player, with no drum instructor, a new band director, having gotten music yet, with members on the line that dont know at all what they are doing.. .thats when it gets stressful. I mean... first off.. there is a huge competition thing with section leader. My sister Kristi.. twin sister.. and I raced off to get it... we went through interviews and had a snare off (that I kicked ass on) and I won.  Since then.. she has threatened to quit, told me she would make things bad for me... and she has even said she is trying to take over.. and that she is giong to do a thing where she will be a section leader too with me. That is a lot of stress. I dont want her taking over my position! It is rediculous! I won it, let me do it.... Honestly, i could use help.. but I dont trust her help... and I think I can deal with it all.  Next.. the band director is throwing all this stuff at me at once... A non mandatory practice.. he is saying all these things I have to get the line to do.  We havent gotten our music yet and band camp starts next week! That is rediculous and he cant expect me to learn it by then or anyone else on the line.  Uhm.  He is saying that I need to teach peopel that candence.. but this one kid John will not show up to learn it... also.. we need to section out drums and get harnesses functioning.. which will be difficult to do on my own.  The music. Sure.. Im pretty sure that I can like.. read and be able to play all of the music.. but I dont feel that it  is my position or job to teach drum line and ensure that they are learning and playing correctly.  We do not have a drum instructor yet. And I am nervous for the old one coming back for band camp.. cus he put me down when I played drumset at a jazz concert and messed up.  I taught myself, so I try my best, believe it or not.. Im the best in HHS, I try, but I am totally inexperienced.. but I keep a damn good tempo. Anyways.. i went up to him and he was like "that was..." and I cut him off and said "yeah... I try to teach myself.. but I dont really play that much... Im not good." and he says "I can tell" I havent seen him since then and to be honest.. I dont care all that much if I do. I dont want him thinking I suck and Im sorry that Im not good enough, Im not amazing, and all that stuff.
     Three. Miscelaneous things that bother me.. including family issues with my biological family. My deteriorating self image that I hate is also stressful. I want to be beautiful.. I want to be like really skinny. I want to be able to have a flat stomache.. that does not like bunch up when I sit in tight jeans and a shirt... I dont want a muffin top. I want to feel comfortable with my stomache and legs. Also.. when I want to.. I can look good.. but i just really want to try and look good all the time... but it takes too much. Overall... i hate my weight.. I weigh like 140.. If I could be 115.. that would be amazing.  My self confidence is horrible and I never think that I like look good or can really impress someone or be beautiful.
     Four. i like have trust issues. I have a boyfriend.. who I have been dating for almost a month. His name is Chris, hes seventeen and we live like an hour away form eachother. He came after me... askign for my number and bugging friends for weeks until he got it.. then we hung out.. things went well.. he asked me out.  He is a whole blurry area. I want to trust him.. he says he loves me and cares about me and wants to see me... then he gets into what scares me most.. he wants to do all these sexual things.  I will not have sex... and with him.. it seems like.. thats what he cares most about with me... He keeps bugging me and is like "next time I see you.. you will blow me." and im not comfortable with all that stuff... I just want him to really love me and want to be with me for me, not my body or to do stuff!  Its weird. I want to do stuff when he's there... lol but i dont at the same time... Its hard to trust him since he like always talks about that stuff and yeah.. He must really care about me though since he calls me from Hawaii (hes on vacation) and he drives an hour to see me.  It must mean that Im more than just like.. some fun. haha.. He might just be joking with the whole blowing thing.. cus i told him taht I would like.. never do that.. so he always says that Im scared.. lol. IDK! I want him to just like.. not try anything sexual and just hold me in his arms and all that gooeeyyy crap. hahahah. I think too muchhhh.
       My sister just burst into my room and is all trying to find my blog now.. I hope she doesnt find it.. cus I want to write this with confidence that it wont be told to people that I dont want to know about it. this is just an outlet taht I am trying to get things on my mind off.. and if anyone cares enough to comment.. I could get some advice maybe.

Well I feel better now with all that stuff off my chest and it makes things better I guess.

This is my first blog. I thought that I should get these things going just to get stuff out there and out of my head. I am the type of person that takes everything to heart. I have low self esteem, though I may not show it and I seem to have everything going for me, yet Im screaming inside for an escape.  There are so many good things going for me, but I have a past that sucks and i dont like to think about it. I avoid my past as much as I can and I try to move on easily.  I dont like it when people judge me, cus most people dont even know me at all yet have a predetermined idea of who I am.  I dont like it when people lie and cheat and do asshole like things. I really try to be nice to everyone and I try really hard to please people. I am a crazy opinionated person who is blunt and usually says it like it is. I am sixteen. I am a triplet.. I have a brother and a sister born the same day.. July 22.  Its cool being a triplet.. but I deal with issues with siblings that most people dont.  I live with my stepmom and my dad and that can be pretty hectic. My biological mother and step mother seem to be out to hurt me, and that doesnt help anything at all. Psycologists dont help me, but looking at me and hanging around with me, you wouldnt guess what I have been through or that I have like issues. haha. Its all good. I keep most inside and I try my hardest in everything I do. Im a girl drummer, I play drumset quints, snare, mallets, ANYTHING percussion. haha. I am a straight A student with over a 4.0.  Music means a lot to me and I will do anything to try to achieve the most in life. I want to go to Harvard and become a lawyer.. though most people dont think I can make it. hahaa. Whatever though.  I have naturally blondish brown hair that changes with the sun.. Im five feet six inches and around 140 pounds. I have brown eyes and I make sure I take care of myself.   I dont have the most friends int he world... I do things to try to fit in.. and I try to appease most.  Well. there are the most general things about me.. i dont know waht else to say really... so I will get into other stuff later when specific things are on my mind.